This Valentine’s Day the TF is a Given, but if You Play your Cards Right, You just may get to Hit for the Cycle

Every VD, I have a tradition: troll till my little heart’s content. There is no better time to find recently bruised, crushed or generally emotionally dilapidated guys than on the “Most Romantic Night of the Year.” And believe me, nothing makes for a greater lover than the type of guy who’s spent the last three days crying into his Bud Light because his GF dumped him. I generally spot said gentleman, decide to give him a little fun (not as if it’s at my expense, don’t worry, I love tongue baths in front of Sleepless in Seattle as much as the next gal) and it usually results in a super-special, once-in-a-lifetime Valentine’s Day TF’ing for one lucky lad. But this year, in the wake of the hard times and bleak future, if you play your cards right, you just might be able to hit for the cycle. The full on TF, HJ, BJ, BP with all the FPs in between.

Sure, TF’ing is an intimate, close experience only to be shared with the most dapper young gentleman sitting at McGee’s at the end of the night. And if you just bought me a Miller Lite, then you sir just earned yourself a good TF’ing somewhere on or near campus. But I get that we’re going through rough times right now. So I’m willing to go a step further.

Once we get back to your place on or near campus that doesn’t require a cab (hard times, right?) we can start the chin poking. But if you’re a true squire, and you planned enough ahead to buy some KY instead of depending on the banality that is Vaseline, then sir, the climax of our TF can end with an FP, on me. (Egg on my face for expecting less from you.)

But, if you’re romantic and skip the trite lines such as “Those T’s aren’t going to F themselves” I may let you go a bit further. If you’re classy in your approach of trying to get into a good TF’ing session that ends in an FP, then hell, your next HJ may involve a bit of my M. We all know that S makes way better L for HJ’s, anyway. And besides, once you’ve TF’ed a gal and given her an FP, an M-free HJ is JV.

Let’s say that instead of the normal Sportscenter in the background, you decide to luv it up and put on some classy music, such as Kanye West, then you may have just earned yourself a quick BJ. Granted, you can’t B your L in my M, but if you want to go to Round 2 of the FP, well, sir, I think that you’ve earned it. And if instead after the BJ, you’d like to the neck rub again with a TF and a healthy bit of KY, then B my G.

And if you’re a smooth lover through the entirety of the J’s that we’ve run so far over the past 20-30 minutes, then hell, let’s get into the BP! I’m not normally a fan of BP, but with a C and some L, it can be a fun experience, and God doesn’t count it as being an actual F. Once again, no B’ing your L anywhere near my B, V or M, but as previous suitors have mentioned so very crassly, these T’s aren’t going to F themselves, so FP it up.

So this VD, if you think you’ve got the chops, belly on up to the bar, and let’s start eye F’ing each other. If we’re both lucky, maybe we can turn it into a romantic evening of TF’ing peppered with varying J’s and the occasional FP. And lest you feel at any point that things are getting a bit too intimate, I have no problem if you self-HJ your way to an FP. If you play your cards right.