Liquor to Beer? Beer to Liquor? Just Drink it, Damn it

Hello, ladies and gents. Shortly after returning from our excellent adventure in Holland, Bob and I had the wonderful opportunity to travel to the great city of Chicago to attend a lecture at the McCormick Convention Center. After such a warm reception in the great country of Holland, we knew our trip to Chicago would be a snap.

On the first day, we got off to the right start by skipping the silly lecture and going straight to the world famous Billy Goat Tavern. What a treat, they had their own brand of beer and a special house drink as well – a Horny Goat – consisting of a mixture of rum, 7up and cranberry juice.

Well, being a beer man, I ordered a mug of the finest Billy Goat Lager and assumed Bob would follow suit. I could never count on Bob to do the right thing and he goes and orders a beer and one of the special drinks with rum in it. As the bartender sits the drinks down, he boldly proclaims, “Liquor before beer, you're in the clear.” Well, that made sense; Bob was supposed to drink the Horny Goat before the beer.

Bob confidently grabs the Horny Goat, and no sooner does it touch his lips that a big guy at the bar leans over and yells, “Beer before liquor or you’ll get sicker.” Well this is an odd predicament, two equally good rhymes with completely opposite messages. Bob is now perplexed and doesn’t know what to do. I on the other hand know exactly what this calls for and order another beer to fill my empty mug while Bob sat staring at his two drinks. (Bob has always had trouble making decisions.)

While Bob is staring at the drinks, a fine looking young lass with a plunging neckline walks up and whispers in Bobs’ ear – “Whiskey before beer and you’ll perform like a steer.” Well that certainly got Bob’s attention, not that Bob even had a clue what a steer was, but a pretty girl had just talked to him! And she didn’t use the customary “Pervert!” or make references to his “damned hands” as so many before her had done when talking to Bob. Once again, I knew it was time for me to have another beer. Bob on the other hand had another piece of information that made him think even harder about which drink he should start with.

About this time people in the bar were starting to feel sorry for Bob and started offering their own advice. A very elegant lady dressed in the finest fur coat I had ever seen added the phase, “Beer before wine and you’ll feel divine.” Great, Bob wasn’t even considering wine and now he has another thought in his head to compete with the beer and the Horny Goat. I don’t have that issue and promptly order another beer.
Then an elderly lady, who obviously had been there for quite some time blurts out, “The correct saying is – wine while you dine and you’ll feel fine.” A lot of good this did; we weren’t eating and wine still wasn’t one of Bob’s options. The tension was starting to get to me and yep, you guessed it, I ordered another beer.

While the patrons of the bar were all trying to be helpful, it was becoming clear that they had lost sight of the objective of getting Bob to make a decision so that he could at least try a drink before the bar closed. An overweight, balding man started chuckling and blurted out, “Grain before fruit or it’ll make you toot.” Oh crap, this must have been something his grandfather had told him from the days of prohibition, and he thought it was rather clever. We had now ventured into the resulting bodily functions of mixing drinks, and as with the rest, a clever little rhyme which did nothing to comfort Bob into making a decision. Having heard “last call,” I ordered my final beer while watching Bob stare at his two drinks. Poor Bob, been here all day and he still wasn’t able to so much as taste one of the two drinks that he had really wanted to try while in Chicago.

Well, were back in Ohio and I must admit that Chicago was one of our better business trips. We never did make it to the lecture, I got to drink a lot of beer, Bob found several receipts for meals that we didn’t eat but that were accepted in our expense accounts to cover the cost of our drinks, and best of all for Bob, he gets to keep telling people about a pretty girl that compared him to a large muscular beast of burden. Yea, Bob thought it was a compliment and he still has no idea what a steer is. All in all, Chicago has earned a five-star rating for business trip destinations.