Me? A Prostitute? Tell Me More ...

Money. With money, you can buy all the books you ever wanted. All the scented candles. You can buy perfect, genetically engineered puppies with big eyes and no excretory system. You can pay for the excavation of favorite dead celebrities. You can buy a swimming pool in the shape of your winking face. Don't you love money?

And time. With free time, you can skywrite a poem. You can form that Papa Roach cover band you've been "meaning to get to." You can raise a small child exclusively in a windowless white room and trick them into thinking an apocalypse has wiped out everyone but the two of you. Don't you love time?

And people. In meeting new people, you can find that one other person in the world who shares your ladle fetish. You can find that one other person trying to knit a quilt using only the peel-off strips from Netflix envelopes. You can find that one other creep who likes to collect Laos currency. Don't you love people?

If you like money, if you like time, and if you like people, then there's only one thing you need to go out there and do: become a prostitute. Don't listen to those frigid naysayers who insist that prostitution leads only to a life of self-degradation and a foul-smelling skirt. Become a prostitute and I guarantee that you'll make so much money, you'll have so much free time, and you'll meet so many new people that you can kick those naysayers with your $3,000 astronaut boots and say, "I'm gonna go spend alllll my free time with allllll my new friends. And we're gonna buy buildings, and also toys."

First, let's talk about money. If you don't believe that a life of prostitution equals a life of plump moneybags, ask the experts. Whore Lisa Lennington proclaims, "At first I didn't believe that prostitution would help me pay back even a cent of my student loans. I was wrong! Thanks to prostitution, I'm graduating the Ann Arbor School for Dentistry in May, and I couldn't be a smidge happier."

Here's how the time-tested formula works. If you sell a scarcity that people absolutely can't get enough of, you can charge astronomically high prices for them to buy that scarcity from you! In his 1890 book called Principals of Economics, English economist Alfred Marshall called this simple but vital concept, "supply and demand." In a recent Durex-conducted survey taken by 317,000 people in 41 countries, people were found to have sex an average of 103 times per year. That's down from 2003, when they were having sex 127 times per year!

Clearly, less and less people are not being supplied with what they demand, and that's where you come in. Strap on your sexiest studs, place an ad, stand on a street corner, or go modern-day with Craigslist – your call – and your cup shall overflow. Frankly, feel free to charge whatever. A desperate man (or woman) is one with a bottomless wallet. The idea here is that sex equals big fatty paychecks. So… what are you waiting for?

Well, okay. What about being a lawyer? A doctor? Garbage man? Hand model? Saxophone juggler? Baby hitman? There's just one problem. Those are all day jobs. Don't you want to, like, sleep in? Breathe in the morning air? Do the crossword? According to the National Sleep Foundation, "As many as 47 million adults may be putting themselves at risk for injury, health and behavior problems because they aren't meeting their minimum sleep need." Even more pressingly, "Job burnout experienced by 25% to 40% of U.S. workers is blamed on stress," according to the Centers for Disease Control and the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health.

There's such a profound lack of sleep and a correlative surplus of stress in modern-day society. You need a job consigned strictly to night hours, enabling you to get your full eight hours and wake up refreshed and ready for a morning power-walk or afternoon beatbox session with your imaginary children. There's too little time in the world to spend it holed up in a cubicle, or a lab coat, or the Peace Corps.

Take it from turbo-slut Josh Alletto. "Yeah, I love money and all," he says. "But I also love spending time with my family. Thankfully, they go to sleep at eleven, right after the Leno monologue, freeing me up to roam the streets for some freaky flesh without the guilt of familial neglect." It's nice to know there are some jobs out there that offer you both boatloads of money and German-U-boatloads of time.

"But why can't I just be a computer programmer?" you ask. "Doesn't that involve a lot of money? And can't I make my own hours?" Fine. Be a computer programmer. Just expect to die friendless and alone. In a hypothetical poll taken among 400,000 Americans, 99% of them believe Bill Gates is a socially inept freak and probably wouldn't have interesting stories at cocktail parties. Billions of dollars and a chokehold on a globally proliferated enterprise don't matter at all if you're not well-liked among friends, peers, and strangers.

With prostitution, however, you get to meet sooo many interesting people. According to megatron sexpot Tia Hanke-Hills, "Being a prostitute, I met so many people I never would have met if I were a bus driver, or a teacher, or a volunteer sheriff. I've met basketball players, Japanese businessmen, chess players, beekeepers, five congressmen, six confused congressional page boys, and at least two nuns, or someone who claimed to be a nun." Prostitution is simply the key career for you if you're remotely interested in networking, finding new friends, or maybe – if you're lucky – that special someone.

Case-in-point: 21-year-old Natasha Galkina was an impoverished girl living in Russia, until she decided to woman-up and tackle the most dedicative form of prostitution: becoming a mail-order bride. Now she's living happily with her 40-year-old husband in America, and she's even on her way to becoming America's next top model. It's the American dream - right there, fulfilled - all thanks to a sociable mindset and just a little bit of prostitution.

So before you consider slaving away at your dad's lumberyard this summer or go for some lame-o unpaid internship just because it'll "look good on a resumè," at least consider how prostitution can grant you access to the triumvirate of fulfilled living: Money, free time, people.

A few caveats, however: Bring protection, because, as the burger-flipper once said, "Red splotches and too much burning are bad for business."

Bring mace, because there are like, a handful of creeps out there with knives, one of whom might be your boss. Occupational hazards. Nothing big.

Also, you may have to move to places like the Netherlands; Germany; Switzerland and Providence, Rhode Island, 'cause most of the Lower 48 just ain't havin' it.

And finally, remember that first and foremost, you should just have fun. 'Cause look around: that's all sex is these days anyway. It's not two souls merging. It's not the ultimate metaphysical gift. Far from it. So you might as well make a living out of meaningless, pointless, hilarious fun, right?