This Relationship is Putting a Strain on My Jerking Off Schedule

Baby, we’ve been together for a few months now and I will be the first to admit that things are great. We have a great time hanging out; we both think Indian food isn’t actually food, and you scream during sex … I like that. Seriously, you make me feel like a rock star when we’re banging. Combine your screaming with the shitty insulation in my building, everyone must think I fuck like a champ. So thanks for that. But this relationship is starting to get in the way of my furious masturbation schedule, and I just can’t have that happen. Please … let me finish ...

When we started to get serious, I didn’t say a word about our watching Baby Momma when I was supposed to play Gears of War with Tony. And when you made me DVR Dancing with the Stars and watch it with you, I didn’t complain. And just so you know, fast forwarding through the talking and just watching the dancing part doesn’t make it easier to watch. But I’m now down to masturbating twice, maybe three times a week. That’s just not gonna cut it. I need to get back to at least a daily regime if this relationship is going to last.

Girls don’t have the same needs as guys do. Don’t try to throw that whole “women masturbate too” argument at me, because it’s bullshit. Sure, some women masturbate, but it’s a huge ordeal with you. You turn off the lights, light candles, play some Creed, and get all in the mood and then fuck a flashlight for an hour. And you’ll do that what, maybe once a month? If I went a month without masturbating you’d eventually see a mushroom-shaped semen cloud form over Lincoln Park.

If there was anything else that I could cut out of my schedule, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I can’t really masturbate at work, not any more anyway. And I can’t masturbate in my sleep. So if you can think of a way to work this out I’m all ears. Of course! The blow job! Masturbations only weakness! Why didn’t I think of that before? Alright, let’s go home and get this relationship back on track.