Ricketts Takes Over Cubs, Scurvy For The Southsiders
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The bidding war for the Chicago Cubs ended this past week when big-time trader and bond dealer Thomas Ricketts’ $900 million-dollar package was good enough for the Tribune Company to say, “DEAL.”
However, what the Tribune Company didn’t bargain for was the fact that all Cubs’ personnel and employees, including players and management, will have to get inoculated for Rickets, and some sources say perhaps Rubella (German Measles) and Mumps.
Rickets is caused by a deficiency in calcium and Vitamin D in the human body, leading to malnutrition, weak bones and muscle problems.
Manager Lou “Rhymes With Rubella” Piniella seemed unfazed by this news, talking to Brown Spot from his Florida home. “So we have to take some shots in the ass for it. So what? What does that have to do with winning? I had the clap once on a west coast road trip with the Yanks. We were playing in Oakland and me, Guidry and Thurman Munson couldn’t stop itching from this trim we had the night before.”
At 35th & Shields, the White Sox are ready to do combat with the AL Central and Scurvy. After bouts with Scurvy on a recent summer cruise throughout the Mediterranean, White Sox Chief Marketing Officer Brooks Boyer was adamant about promoting his cause.
“God we should never run out of fruits and vegetables,” said Boyer in a recent statement. “You’ll be bleeding from the gums and running to the toilet every 5 minutes. Is that what the fans want on the field? Bloody gums and incontinent players? Also, with some of our players coming 90 miles across the sea from Cuba, we need to make the entire community aware of what a serious illness this can be.”
As a PR campaign, the White Sox will be handing out citrus fruit to all fans who enter through the gates at U.S. Cellular Field this season. Lemons, limes, grapefruits and oranges will be available to those in dire need of that necessary Vitamin C. Boyer added, “Some of the fruit will be autographed by White Sox players, so SAVE THE RIND IF ITS SIGNED!”
