Roland Burris Caught In Blago’s Prickly Pear
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On just his second day as the would-be Illinois Senator, Roland Burris confounded members of the press when he arrived at a scheduled conference with a prickly pear attached to his right arm. The long-time Illinois politician, visibly distressed and uncharacteristically distracted, winced while ascending the podium and then briefly wiggled his arm in an attempt to free the desert cactus, to no avail.
“Now, I’m not going to lie to you all and pretend that there isn’t a cactus stuck to my arm,” Burris began, dabbing his forehead with a handkerchief. “That’s clearly the case. But, as the junior senator from Illinois, I’ll be the first to tell you—”
Before Burris could finish, a belligerent scream of, “I own you, Burris!” echoed from behind the curtain. A figure then appeared to search for the curtain’s crease in an attempt to enter the conference, eventually resolving to go underneath the divider. Once inside, the figure, wearing a jogging suit and holding a 40 ounce bottle of Mickey’s, revealed himself as Rod Blagojevich, the embattled Illinois governor.
“Ta-da, bitches!” Blagojevich slurred, before swigging on his beer and stumbling up to the podium. The recently impeached governor then released a shrill laugh and patted a stunned Burris on the head. “Not everybody can have hair like me, right? Hah! Okay. First of all, yeah, I’m drunk. So what? You want to vote on it? Go ahead. Meanwhile, I’m gonna nominate Roland Meadows here as the new quarterback of the Chicago Bears.”
Burris gingerly approached the microphone in an apparent effort to accept the nomination, but Blagojevich immediately pushed him away and resumed his meandering address.
“See? This is why I love this guy. And I do. I love him. I’m like his grandpa. You know? Because even though I hit him with a cactus this morning and said, “Hey, Burris, if you take that cactus off your arm I swear to God I will end your career!” he still wants more. He can’t get enough. You have to admire a guy with that kind of—-,” the governor hiccupped, “Sticky, sticky-to-it-ness.”
Blagojevich took a long drink from his Mickey’s, offered it to Burris (who declined), shrugged, and then finished off the bottle.
“Oh, c’mon. Can’t a guy have a drink without the weight of the world on his eyes? You don’t care. I know you don’t. You love me. You’re all in love with me. You can’t keep me away. Especially you, Ronald Burris. I own you. I made you. You owe me big and now I want your glasses.”
