Secretary of State Hillary Clinton Preparing for the Worst: A Hillary Clinton Presidency

Three weeks after being confirmed as President Obama’s Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton is still adjusting to her new position. “Assuming such a prominent role in the administration-- did you know it’s the highest ranking cabinet official-- has given me some rather lofty and unforeseen responsibilities,” the former junior senator from New York said from her Washington office Wednesday.

“Of course, I was ready to lead on day one,” she added quickly, “but it is a little overwhelming to consider some of the amazing, godlike figures who have served this nation as secretary of state. Great men like John Jay, Thomas Jefferson and Madeleine Albright. To think that I am now an equal of these predecessors, or perhaps arguably a superior in some ways, is awe-inspiring.”

Although she initially claimed she could not divulge her duties because they were “super top-secret,” Clinton later admitted that most of her job requirements are stated in the Constitution. “Well, if you must know,” Said Clinton, “I’m basically the head of the State Department. I’m like the chief U.S. diplomat and ambassador to foreign nations and stuff.”

While these responsibilities are impressive, Clinton maintains that her most critical task as secretary of state is simply staying alive. “Being third in the line of presidential succession is something I take very seriously,” Said Clinton. “As the vice, vice, vice-president, I’m only three simultaneously ceasing heartbeats away from the highest office in the land. No one likes to think about the possibility of such a catastrophe, but with my appointment comes a need to prepare for the worst: my presidency.”

Said Clinton many of her old congressional colleagues are constantly asking her about some of the more “menial tasks” associated with her new position, such as keeping abreast of foreign affairs and maintaining friendly relations with the leaders of other nations. “You know,” said Clinton, “boring shit. Don’t get me wrong, I love traveling. It’s a crucial part of my job. It allows me to be far away from those two walking targets and the far too conspicuously painted White House.”

Thinking about what she would do as President Rodham (she said, “We don’t need another Clinton in the Oval Office”) occupies most of her time. “I spend at least three to four hours a day conceiving scenarios in which I could become president,” said Clinton. “I bet no one else cares enough about this country to envision the death of both the president and his second-in-command ... except maybe terrorists.”

Clinton claimed she doesn’t have to worry about Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi because of an agreement the two of reached two weeks ago. “Nancy totally doesn’t even want to be the president,” said Clinton. “She practically told me that she would probably panic and disband the military or something. So, she said I could take her place if it comes to that. We pinky swore on it.”

“I’ve written about 20 horrible and unfortunate circumstances in which I would become commander-in-chief so far today,” said Clinton, pointing to a list she had jotted down in a notebook labeled “Operation Hillary: My Presidency.”

“Tainted water supply,” Clinton read from her notes, “suicide pact, dual impeachment proceedings that a former senator could totally convince her friend Harry Reid to organize. They’re not all winners. Sometimes you get on a roll, though.”

Clinton remarked that no one should enjoy drafting blueprints which detail how to send the United States into a permanent chaotic spiral, “but I have to...because it’s part of my job,” said Clinton. “When the American people reflect on the catastrophic tragedy that would ensue if our two highest officials were blackmailed into resigning and the leader of the House of Representatives refused to fulfill her duties because she was pissing her pantsuit in a closet somewhere, I want them to associate three words with that utter disaster of a future: President Hillary Clinton.”