Unconventional Wisdom: 27 Bases

Welcome back to Unconventional Wisdom. Today I’d like to help those of you who, like me, have become frustrated with our society’s system for chronicling the conquests of the date night. The system currently used to describe romantic conquests is based on a metaphor from the game of baseball. In this metaphor the bases of the game each correlate to a single step on the stairs of sexual advancement, with the home plate representing coitus, or the top of the stairs.

The clear and present danger of this system is that it lacks the ability to truly describe to your friends how well you did on the big date. So for all of you that have had to hang your head in shame while saying “not even first base” I have created a new system. In this new and revolutionary system we can now clearly communicate to our friends the extreme nature of our sexual deliberations. Not only does this new system allow for more specific descriptions of our conquest, but also a new top step is introduced. Regular coitus has been lowered from the highest goal of the system by the introduction of the Ménage à trios.

The 27-base Score

1. She knows that you exist
2. She cares that you exist
3. She looks upon you without contempt or repulsion
4. She knows your name
5. She tells you her name
6. Conversation
7. Any non-sexual physical contact (ie. Handshake, pat on back)
8. Kiss on cheek, forehead, or hand
9. She touches your leg, thigh, or shoulder
10. Kiss on the mouth
11. Open-mouthed kiss
12. Kiss with tongue
13. Seeing skin that is ordinarily concealed by clothing
14. Physical contact with clothing over skin ordinarily concealed by clothing
15. Physical contact with skin ordinarily concealed by clothing
16. Physical contact with clothing over skin ordinarily concealed by undergarment
17. Seeing skin that is ordinarily concealed by undergarment
18. Physical contact with skin ordinarily concealed by undergarment
19. Physical contact with genitals
20. Erotic physical contact with genitals
21. Sexual climax without proceeding to 17th base
22. Oral contact with genitals
23. Inter-genital contact
24. Sexual climax without intercourse
25. Sexual intercourse
26. Multiple sexual experiences with the same person in one session
27. Sexual intercourse involving 2 or more other people

So enjoy using this new and experimental system for date description. Now when your friends ask you don’t have to just say, “not even first base.” Instead you can say proudly, “I got all the way the 7th base.” If nothing else, a passerby who is not advanced enough to understand the new system will be impressed that you have gone beyond the bounds of normal sexual activity and advanced to the next level…