Stillborn

To commemorate six glorious months of weekly fun, Brown Spot decided to post a Best Of edition this week. Thank you to the writers, developers, designers and readers who made this possible. Check back next Friday for more tickles and giggles.

OK, so I know we were all bumming at least a little bit when 2008 and its mathematical awesomeness was coming to an end. I mean, are you kidding? Two to the power of the number of digits (2^3) following it equaling the fourth digit? 2008 RAWKED! And everyone loves them some nice even numbers that 2008 had to offer. But worry not, my SOH-CAH-TOA loving pals. I’ve got some great news for you about 2009: It is also mathematically mind-blowingly sweet. Like I’m talking estimating the number of isosceles triangles within your parent's house sweet. (4,547 for me.)

The day is long as an aging woman's, specifically my maternal grandmother's, tits. The birds are singing a lonely, agonizingly slow version of Soulja Boy. I can sense that this day will leave me deserted in a sea of people, feeling as lonely as Wilson and Tom Hanks even after rejonining both human and volleyball society.

As I sat amid this sea of faceless birdpeople who hummed "connnnfffooooorrrmitttyyy" in a deep baritone, I knew that I was going to have to be the peacock in this drowning pool/puddle of mud of mediocrity.

As far as I’ve been led to believe, an editor is there to help guide and direct a piece of writing to become the best it can be. But what if your editor has ulterior motives? What if they have a section of their website reserved for FAILURE. And not only is it a section for failure, it’s a section where you can talk about how you’ve FAILED.

Thank our lucky stars, we have nothing here yet. This is where our writers will go to watch their well-conceived plans die (and narrate the process to you, the reader). Oftentimes, even after endless work and lube, ideas turn out to be total duds. This is where writers will walk through the painstaking process of explaining how they had a fantastic bud of an idea, seemingly worth taking to term, and then realized partially through the process that perhaps it wasn't nearly as well-planned as initially believed.